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Yet another semester, and I am paying the price for waiting until the last minute to get things done, like the other 90% of the college that makes a bookstore line as long as a football field on the first day of school. Apparently my financial didn’t take effect this semester because I took too many credits  so far. Online I noticed how my overall balance for every semester zeroed out because of my financial aid, this morning when I went online I noticed it was on four digits as an outstanding balance…I felt like I passed a gallstone on the spot when I saw it.

Anyway, it’s full of…people everywhere, getting to work in the morning in traffic and in school by the loads. I went to get my sketch book in the car after I miraculously found a parking lot, and someone tailed me to get my parking lot. When they saw I was just  getting something out of my car, I think I got the driver really mad lol, but that’s okay I kind of hate that too; when you are waiting for a person to get in their car and leave so you can take the spot only to realized they are getting something out of the car.

Egh, I should have been a bit more organized about my last semester here. I’m worried about my financial aid. I have a digital photography class in half an hour, I’m excited but a little disapointed and angry at my disorganization. My camera that I luckly returned on time because it was defective, turned out to be defective a second time when I took it to Chile, my room is such a mess I haven’t been able to remember where I left the reciept, the longer I wait the less chances I’m gonna get of replacing it. Among all the things that I loose, my keys have been missing for a couple of days as usual, as well as my phone and other items.

I wish the FBI had a position on someone that could loose their stuff and complete the mission with a memory loss. I’ll be perfect at at that.

I’m thinking about hitting the Gym after school, maybe clean my room and shapen up. I have a crazy day today, and tomorrow is even great!

I gotta stay possitive!

It’s been a while, I hope I get to post here more often and remember that while my weight problem exists I still have a commitment to post. Watched two episodes of “HEAVY” at 3:00am yesterday and although I am nowhere near to being morbidly obese like the people in the show, it was really inspiring. 

 I have gone to the gym on average about 3 times a week. In today’s workout I realized I have to try harder, get myself to be pushed to the limits very much like the show, so I can get the results I want. Normally when I go there I do a 40min cardio combination of jogging and light running, but it seems like it is not enough. Today mom came long and it was the first time I wondered off to the weight lifting section, but again I kept getting that uncomfortable feeling among all the men.

When I’m at the gym I glance over to the weights section and it always seems like it’s predominantly taken by packs of men with big robust muscles. I find it sad, that men work their muscles to lift their machismo for nothing more than just image and egocentricity when women could use the same power to protect themselves and feel stronger.

There is this alienation whenever I go there, like I’m too weak to perform as well as they do, as if the machines are for them only. It’s upsetting to see the results of their bodies are easily accomplished because of their sex and loads of testosterone…

I wish I could see a woman just as big as they are to show that it is possible for women to look ribbed just as they do…I sometimes have no issues thinking I could have a body like that, even if it takes the feminism out of my body, but it would be amazing in my eyes; it would defy all the odds, a woman so strong you couldn’t take your eyes out of her perfectly shaped shoulders, hard rock abs…

The ultimatum of a woman at the gym is agility and the ones that looks the smallest…sigh…why? There is nothing but women that use the yoga balls and the 5lbs weights…WHY?!

 Is it wrong that I’m thinking about a freak of nature when I’m overweight, lol…that’s a FAR FAR of goal isn’t? But at least I’m finding myself into something I secretly crave, and have thought it’s amazing (especially when I see it on women that are professional wrestlers)…mmm I’m starting to scare myself now. But finding out what I like when it comes to physical activity it exactly what gets you to develop perseverance…

and perseverance is really good!

 V,

3 days so far. 1 hr workout every day. Fast walking and that other funky machine, 20/30 min each.

Weight: 170lbs

3 days before going to Chile.

Finals this week!!! argh. My big trip is coming and there is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I dreamed last night I was para sailing, it was so cool to learn something new, even if it was just in my dreams…it was awesome. And on top of that one of the dudes that was teaching me was this cool Asian dude that had been a tattoo artist for 8 years, so obviously I pop the question to see if he would teach me, lol.

For some reason it appears I piled up really good emotions from a strenuous activity I had before going to bed (yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about) I was so cozy and relaxed through the night, I had the most wonderful dreams.

Also about a week ago I got my lip pierced, it looked so good and it was really worth the pain, I was eating much less and I even stopped biting my nails!. But within 5 days of having it, my lip swell up about 3 times its size and it really scared me. I was planning to take it off, clean it up and put it back on. But, that was essentially the one thing you are never suppose to do, once you take it out, it’s over, and so I DID. I was thinking of driving the hour and half to the shop today, but I have too many school things to take care of. I’m on a race against time I don’t want to leave the country on vacation with a fresh piercing; the sooner I do it, the better.

God knows, when I get something in my head, it doesn’t go away until I do it, I wish it wasn’t only about silly things I want, if I was just as passionate with my homework and chores, I’ll  be in a totally different place now.

That’s by far all I have to say about my life briefly right now. I’m also working in this really cool painting I have struggled for months, I hated it, I loved it, and now it’s finally getting done, my prof is gonna like it, I know it,  and I think it’s gonna save my butt from being so lazy this semester, lol

I’ll post the image later.

Okay, here is the thing, I have two drafts I was never able to publish properly in a period of a week, that’s how busy I have been. I don’t think I been really busy (in part because I don’t have a job) is more like really distracted. And obviously like many, I’m a victim of time, that goes really fucking fast! (pardon my French).

I apologize for my absence, I actually don’t know which blog I need to prioritize (my Livejournal, my Deviantart, or my Buddyslim) Anyway, I said I wasn’t going to get into too many details of my everyday life here on Buddyslim, as that may be 3 pages to just get warm up. But what I have to say about my weight is the following;

I am mildly fucking up, I’m not going to lie. There was a Bento-box party at school about 3 days ago that sent me into a sugar turmoil, I had a quickie with a chocolate lava cake, and an orgy with a bowl of rice, noodles, cupcakes…and a load of other stuff. I ended up consuming more carbs than ever. In part because I’m so stressed with finals at school, I haven’t had much time to eat, so I been stuffing my mouth with a few sins if not too many.

I mean, I’m not trying to save my ass here. But healthy eating isn’t exactly a synonym of frantic schedules and lack of sleep, at least not yet. So what I mean is; if I’m running like a chicken without a head writing an essay, I don’t think I’m going to chew on celery sticks all day, and count carbs.

When you are on a diet, usually the whiff of chocolate to me, and the final unfortunate step of getting a taste, doesn’t result in me getting a little tongue dipping and walk away. I don’t know about you ladies, but when I sin…I SIN, lol.

I’m sorry I have failed. I feel the addiction coming back when I consume sugar, I really don’t want this to happen. Today I only drank a cup of coffee in the morning, munch on some old blueberries while I was taking the bus, more coffee afterward in between classes, and a bunch of cigarettes until it gave me a headache, my girlfriend hates it, she says I smell like a burnt rat, but usually a quick cig break is the only thing that calms me down.
It was only until I got home I resisted eating out, to eat a turkey breast with a mix salad of veggies. Uff! Thank you for that…

Anyway, so that’s it for today. I don’t want to say this, but strangely enough my weight is still the same after all that I been through these couple of days. I fear the scale now, thinking it’s going to go up to where it was a few weeks ago. I don’t want to live in fear. I’m going to quit cold turkey, fucking get my ass up, and straighten myself…I promise, I made a  promise to myself…I’m not going to break it, and that’s final.

By the way, if you are reading this Jen, I hope you are doing okay girl, and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write you properly, I hope this post explains a little bit why.

Here is a little something I did last week, I have to write a 5 page essay for my Art History final. For that I needed to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, (you would love it Jen!..I mean the Museum…lol)  so I snap this photo on my phone.

Good luck everybody, if I have time tomorrow I’ll comeback to give my buds some feedback

V,

I been a little moody today because of that time of the month, but I been sticking to some of the rules I have already put down for my diet. I’m anxious about results, it happens to all of us, I calm myself down by thinking it was only about a week and a few days ago I was eating out at pizza hut.

I walked into a restaurant today and got a little upset watching people around me eating anything they wanted; especially angered at those slim ones. I felt alienated, and inferior that I had to be given these simple calorie foods, that were not delicatessens of any kind. But in the end, I remember it is really for best, it was really up to me to get out of there with a cheeseburger and fries on my stomach, or I could prove that I could make the right choice.

I don’t want to be tired anymore, and that’s the main reason why I want to lose weight. So, by having a tuna salad with no dressing, I walked out with my chin up and happy to realized that indeed, my stomach was lighter and my energy had remained.

I raked leaves today for about 2 hours, cleaned my room, grilled a good piece of salmon with boiled broccoli for dinner. I had a good day, and tomorrow I expect to have an even better one. It’s also about time I do some Art, I’m planning to do an ink wash tomorrow at the library, but I’m not sure how I can organize that, I believe I still have to do laundry and see my mother.

I just hope she doesn’t take me jogging in the morning; I’m still carrying too much weight for that. I have to take the bus, take my professor advice and get out of the house.  I have a serious case of cabin fever, then…who wouldn’t? Living with their In-laws…lol

Still going through carbs. I don’t know about some of you ladies, but I hate television. Yesterday as I was trying hard to be lazy, I got a call from the social services office that have put me on hold for about 4 weeks. I was informed after the long wait that I didn’t apply for any help on my hospital bill, instead he told me to call 211 to find affordable insurance.

I went to the hospital and had on night stand with the emergency room because I thought I was dying of food poisoning, and I came out a few hours later with a 7,000 dollar bill. In many respects, I can’t express myself enough on how unbalanced and unfair the health system is in this country, and I’m sorry I have to say this and if I offend someone. I don’t know how acquiring insurance could possibly pay a bill I already have, if not at best give me a never ending payment plan, for money I don’t even have. I called my mother in tears, something in me just really switch to an emotional side, and I couldn’t stop crying. But for what it seems, my mom has her way to be the toughest when you are at your worst (not sure if that’s very soothing) but it works, she says we are going to go pull some ears on Friday, to see if I could still get some help.

If I knew my doctor’s two glances at me while I was in the emergency room was worth 900$ a pop, I would have told her to yell at me from the hall or something, talk about solidarity when practicing medicine, it’s a load of b.s.

So back to my original idea, as I was crying my eyes out, a Milano cookies commercial came up, showing two beautiful biscuits conjoined in a delicious river of melty chocolate,why….WHY DOES TELEVISION HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT? it’s almost like they are talking to that fat person sitting at home, “consume these products! because they are really not good for your health and weight, but ohhhhh didn’t we nailed to make it taste like heaven? and now you eat them, so you can bring thousands of dollars to one happy CEO, horray for Capitalism and freedom of speech!”

I wanted the cookies, but someone I resisted and I have survived every dirty reeses commercial too. I went through the whole day with two eggs, 2 small light mini-bells, and just picking on little foods here and there, including a piece of salmon I bought from the healthy food restaurant that tasted like dead fish. I bought Kale but I don’t know how to cook it, I ended up eating plates of soaky kale.

Then depression set in, so I went into the smoking shed at the college and got on my knees to beg for a cigarette.It’s the least I could do, I somehow feel better mostly because there was something there to talk to, even if that person didn’t seem slightly interested in what I had to say, I felt a little bit better. On my way out I knew I wanted coffee, that creamy swirly of cappuccino drown with sugar. But instead I went for half-n-half decaf. Decaf really emphasize the taste of coffee or tea as nothing but water, it’s almost like a diet cola…it’s been hard to get used that, but at least I still have something warm to drink when I’m cold and lonely.

When I came home I started chewing on some strings of celery, but I was like a bored cow chewing some grass. I wasn’t so hungry but mostly pissed that I haven’t had a big meal all day. So me and my sweety came together in a loving embrace and went to a Mexican restaurant and got one single meal for me, of something I wanted. I’m not gonna lie, I got the usual, and I probably did consume carbs on the bread and tortilla chips on my sandwich… originally I thought allowing myself  to do that at least ONCE a day is not so bad. The only problem is that I don’t know how eating SOME carbs instead of none, would rid my addiction. It’s like a coke addict has SOME coke, to step down gradually? mmmm I’m not sure about that, nerveless to say I wish I could say I was hungry and that I had to do it, but it was all just a mental influence into eating something, than out of hunger.

Apart from that, I came home and hit the bed around 2am, I put about 8 hours of video gaming the entire day, when all I wanted to do was 2.

Well’ that’s all folks. Oh yeah, and guess what…these 5 days my life has been hell, I step on the scale this morning, and I felt like pinching myself.

I went form 177lbs to 169.5lbs….ah my scale….I know sometimes it lies, but at least it brightens up my day, lol.

take care.

I would be going to my native country in Dec. that’s how long I have to loose weight.

It’s been a while since I was here, and things have not went well at all. As a matter of fact, I’m at a peak of 177, that’s 5 more pounds than my highest weight before my last post.

I’m in great need of help. I been reading a very interesting book by doctor Atkins. I can’t wait to finish it, looking back at my post I see that the Atkins it’s really a complete different aspect of dieting. But it sounds awesome. I really want to start right away. I actually did today, and like my “carb-munchies” started earlier than I anticipated. I almost killed my hubby by stealing a boiling pot of water to cook food, like a rabid animal…

Carb withdrawal, are weird…I get so irritable. Anyway, to those that seem to drop me a line, or remember me, thank you for being there, I’m going to try hard to keep myself up.

I love you all!

Food Log

Exercise Log

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

It is frankly exhausting, and difficult to be in this situation. I don’t know how, or why I write this, or to whom. But I just know I have to write, it is best that it is for myself with no expectance of feedback by anyone, just me.

   I am not happy…I can’t seem to express that enough; I have been down falling into emotions, consequences of that which is bad…how bad? There is no telling….I just know is the downfall. The downfall usually is, sleeping late, eating more, lounging more, dressing poorly, sleeping more, and feeling miserable. It happens, and it brings me down. Lately it had screwed up my diet again, I have gained weight and I look terrible, I can’t seem to ever come to terms with that, because I never stick around long enough to make myself believe anything works when it comes to looking great.

Looking great, I haven’t looked great since I was a kid, and then it is not that I literally looked great then, it was just that I was too young to even understand what looking great was. I ruined it, I failed, turned my back on myself…back to square one.

I don’t want to be like this anymore, I want to be a good girl…would you help me? Would I finally help myself, no more turning back no more of this. But my life…the very essence that make me, is just so…untraditional, unorganized. I day dream sometimes, that I am responsible, that I have many things to do, that I have friends…that I have purpose in this life.

I don’t have the answer; I cannot say that I don’t have a purpose in life, because that is usually the pessimism that stops you from looking forward. I wish I could just be somebody else. Why does beauty means the world to me, I would never understand. But I can see how that falls in the wrong place, this obsession with beauty, this way of pushing myself…I do not respond to it, even if I was getting somewhere, eventually I cannot stick to it, it must be the wrong reason.

I am using the wrong reason to obtain that which I want.  How can I be stronger? How do I endure? Wasn’t I the girl that was less obsessed but more determined. That’s all I have to say, now I’m tired. Now I sleep.

Now…I’ll keep my fingers close that I don’t wish I could disappear.

172lbs—162lbs

Results are pretty amazing. However my state of mind is really bad, you can even tell by the difference on my expression. I been having really bad drinking issues, and I can’t seem to sleep well. I’ll talk more about it later.

Hope everyone is doing good…

V